Still Attend Courage

It has been some time since the last time I posted a blog entry. In the second to last blog posting that I wrote, I seem very excited about being part of Courage and believing that this was the right group for me. Today I can say I’m at a cross roads with the group. I am just confused on which way I’m suppose to go. See, this group meets on a certain day every month. I was looking forward to attend the April meeting. On the day it was suppose to be on, I drove the 45 minutes to attend the meeting. Once I got there, I found the doors locked. No note, no phone call, no text message, no nothing letting me know that the meeting wasn’t going to be held that day. I drove all that way and took the day off from work for nothing. I could have worked that night, made a little bit of money. But instead I had a long, lonely drove home.

I know this may not seem like a big deal. But this isn’t all of it. This would have been the fourth meeting I would have attended. During the second meeting I attended, the group decided that we would go out to dinner. The priest said he would call everyone about the details. I’m not sure if the priest called the others or another member of the group, but the individuals who were at that meeting all went out for dinner prior to the next meeting, except me. Now, they did call me when they were headed to the restaurant, but seeing I live so far away, I would have never made it in time to go out with them. I do think the priest felt bad about this and he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him sometimes. I said sure, because I really wasn’t upset that they went out without me. I forgive very easily and get over things quickly, for the most part anyways. He told me he would call me and we would figure out a time to go to dinner. I still have not received this phone call.

In the past I allowed others to make plans with me and when they broke the plans, I would just forgive them and act like it was no big deal. I would still be friends with these people and let them continue acting in this manner to me. There for a while, one friend did this to me all the time. It was almost like I was a backup plan if someone else wasn’t available to hang out with. He and I are no longer friends. It wasn’t just for this reason, but I’m sure this was part of the reason our friendship ended.

So when this group started to act like this friend used too, it just got me wondering if this was something I wanted to be a part of. I never asked any of these group members to do anything, it was them asking me. I agreed and they never followed through. Truthfully, I would have been happy just attending the meetings for a few months longer before I started hanging out with these guys. It takes me some time to warm up to others and I know that my protective shell would still be up no matter if I wanted it to be or not.

Now I’m trying to figure out what direction I want to go. Continue going to these groups and hoping that things will get better. Going to this group and letting them know how all this makes me feel, which I am horrible doing by the way. Or just stop attending seeing it doesn’t feel like this group really is interested in having me as a member. It is a very difficult decision for me to make. I feel it’s important for me to hang out with other gay Catholics. I feel it’s important to try and make some friends that also have a strong desire to have God be part of their lives. I feel the Catholic Church is the right place for me to do this. I feel when I enter any Catholic Church a feeling of being welcomed there, just like one would at their own home. But I don’t get that feeling from this group.

I would appreciate anyone feedback on this issue. Would you stay with this group? Is my problem that I don’t speak up enough? Is the issue/solution something I’m not seeing?

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2 Responses to Still Attend Courage

  1. Dear Sir,
    I don’t know your name lol, so you’ll be Mr. Sir for now. I’ve read two of your post, this one and the one before. To be honest, I applaud you greatly for your efforts. I know what it feels like to go through what your going through. I, too, am a Gay Catholic. I converted to Catholicism my senior year of HS, and then fell in love with a boy my freshman year of college (didn’t materialise into anything) and was forced to accept the fact that I was gay. However, I also knew God’s love…. and that the Catholic Church saw homosexuality as an abomination (as stated in the Catechism). Courage is one of the many groups that encourages gay and lesbian people to maintain a chase life. I was very moved by the post you made saying that, so much can come from a hug, a touch on the arm or hand. Its very beautiful for how powerful the simplicity! I have had my fair share with the Roman Catholic Church. I do not share the belief in a chase life for gay ppl. I do not beleive is reserved for child birth (I have many I won’t get into lol). However I do respect ppl that do remain chase as I respect all ppl that decide to remain chase until marriage. Being a gay catholic is very difficult, in the Catholic community, many times u cannot be tru to urself, even if you want to remain in a chase lifestyle, becasue of the stigma of being gay. In the gay community, you still can’t be tru to yourself, because many gay ppl have been autrocized by various religious organizations that they’ve grown to hate them, and unfortunately the ppl that belong to them… gay christians included. Finally, taking the social aspect out, agreeing to stay chase is hard. Its hard to not give into the biological urge to have sex- its unnatural (unless artificially made so) to not have those urges. So, theres ur personal cross- so i’d say. I encourage to pray, and walk the path that Jesus shows you. He’s showed me that I can be Catholic and Gay…. even if I choose to marry (u may or may not disagree). Perhaps he’s shown u to be chase… eitehr way, you are what you are and God WILL lead you through it.
    The Catholic Church is the Lords Church. I have never doubted that… Roman Catholic- up for debate as much as Eastern Orthodoxy and Asyrian churches are, not including others that are “in” apostolic succession, depending on someobdies standards. The Old Catholic Church in Europe and American. some parts of the Anlgican and Episcopal Church (debatable but there coudl stil lbe some apostolic succession). But God always comes out in the end.
    With respect to whether you shud continue courage or not- I would continue. I’m sure there was a miscommunication. If these are ppl of the LORD, then you shud be able to ask, hey= did you all have my number? I heard you all went out to dinner and I wanted to come, I just wanted to make sure you guys had my updated information blah blah blah. REAL CHRISTIANS WILL understand, and SHUD attempt to make adjustments. Feel it out- Satan himself will come down to destroy the most holiest of intentions. Its up to us to find him, and with God’s help always cast him out. If they don’t make amends… then thats not of God. God has no cliques, only love, and any group claiming his name shud do ONLY the same for EVERYBODY. Being chase and catholic is hard- you need a social group if this is wat you want. Push for the Courage group. You’ll be in my prayers from now on.

    God Bless you Mr. Sir.
    Ernesto

    • Joe says:

      Dear Ernesto,

      Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving a very kind comment. I do agree with you that living a life being gay and having faith (being Catholic) can be very difficult. I do struggle with whether to live a life as Courage teaches, that of living a chaste life or one that one’s heart may desire, that of having a relationship with someone that one is attracted too. Some days I feel that living a chaste life is for me, other days I feel just the opposite. I just praying to God for the answer to this.

      As for Courage, I have been attending for the last year and a half. Lately though, I have been feeling a great deal of anxiety when I go to a Courage meeting. I am thinking that I will take a month or two off from Courage and try to sort things out. I started attending Courage in hopes to make some new friends and so far this really hasn’t happened. It doesn’t help that the Courage meeting I attend is almost an hour away from where I live and all the others that attend live about the same amount of time away from me. It is hard to make good friends with people that live so far away especially when I have 2 jobs, making it more difficult to find time to hang out with them.

      Thank you for praying for me.

      Oh, if you are wondering, my name is Joe. I will be praying for you as well. :)

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