It has been some time since the last time I posted a blog entry. In the second to last blog posting that I wrote, I seem very excited about being part of Courage and believing that this was the right group for me. Today I can say I’m at a cross roads with the group. I am just confused on which way I’m suppose to go. See, this group meets on a certain day every month. I was looking forward to attend the April meeting. On the day it was suppose to be on, I drove the 45 minutes to attend the meeting. Once I got there, I found the doors locked. No note, no phone call, no text message, no nothing letting me know that the meeting wasn’t going to be held that day. I drove all that way and took the day off from work for nothing. I could have worked that night, made a little bit of money. But instead I had a long, lonely drove home.
I know this may not seem like a big deal. But this isn’t all of it. This would have been the fourth meeting I would have attended. During the second meeting I attended, the group decided that we would go out to dinner. The priest said he would call everyone about the details. I’m not sure if the priest called the others or another member of the group, but the individuals who were at that meeting all went out for dinner prior to the next meeting, except me. Now, they did call me when they were headed to the restaurant, but seeing I live so far away, I would have never made it in time to go out with them. I do think the priest felt bad about this and he asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with him sometimes. I said sure, because I really wasn’t upset that they went out without me. I forgive very easily and get over things quickly, for the most part anyways. He told me he would call me and we would figure out a time to go to dinner. I still have not received this phone call.
In the past I allowed others to make plans with me and when they broke the plans, I would just forgive them and act like it was no big deal. I would still be friends with these people and let them continue acting in this manner to me. There for a while, one friend did this to me all the time. It was almost like I was a backup plan if someone else wasn’t available to hang out with. He and I are no longer friends. It wasn’t just for this reason, but I’m sure this was part of the reason our friendship ended.
So when this group started to act like this friend used too, it just got me wondering if this was something I wanted to be a part of. I never asked any of these group members to do anything, it was them asking me. I agreed and they never followed through. Truthfully, I would have been happy just attending the meetings for a few months longer before I started hanging out with these guys. It takes me some time to warm up to others and I know that my protective shell would still be up no matter if I wanted it to be or not.
Now I’m trying to figure out what direction I want to go. Continue going to these groups and hoping that things will get better. Going to this group and letting them know how all this makes me feel, which I am horrible doing by the way. Or just stop attending seeing it doesn’t feel like this group really is interested in having me as a member. It is a very difficult decision for me to make. I feel it’s important for me to hang out with other gay Catholics. I feel it’s important to try and make some friends that also have a strong desire to have God be part of their lives. I feel the Catholic Church is the right place for me to do this. I feel when I enter any Catholic Church a feeling of being welcomed there, just like one would at their own home. But I don’t get that feeling from this group.
I would appreciate anyone feedback on this issue. Would you stay with this group? Is my problem that I don’t speak up enough? Is the issue/solution something I’m not seeing?