It has been a while since I have wrote anything really person on my blog. This was something I noticed the other day. It almost seems to me that I forgot one of the main reasons I started blogging which was to help me with expressing myself better. If you were to meet me in person, you would see how difficult it is for me to deal with feelings. I don’t show them very often. I have gotten better at it than I used too. For example, a friend stopped by today to get a CD of music for her aunt’s funeral. She noticed I had the bank (Captain America) she got me for Christmas sitting on my dresser. She said “My mom said she never seen you express that much emotions before, he must have really liked the bank”. It is true that I am a big fan of Captain America, it is also true that I really don’t show my emotions. It isn’t that I don’t feel them; it’s just that I don’t allow them to come out.
In one of the first posting (Angels on the Moon) I wrote about this line in the song “I want to feel, I want to feel all the chemicals inside, I want to feel. I want a sunburn, just to know that I’m alive, to know I’m alive.”. I still feel this line is so true in my life. I want to not only feel, but I want to be able to express my emotions. I want to be able to show that I am happy, sad and so many more emotions. I want to be able to express better to others if I am hungry, thirsty, angered, joyful, and other feelings. But right now, I just do not seem to be able to overcome the walls I have built up in my life.
I have been going to a group that helps one deal with anxiety and depression. I do have anxiety but I wouldn’t say I am depressed. I am more of a person that represses things, keeps everything bottled up. I only mention this group because it has been helping. I do think I am on the right path to deal with my anxiety. I also bring up this group because in the last session I discovered how out of whack my emotions are. I do now believe that not being able to express my feelings or really even to identify them at times cause more anxiety in my life. There has been so many times in my life where I have had more anxiety than I should just having to express an emotion I was feeling to someone else.
This is one of the post that is really difficult for me to write and even more difficult for me to post. Please forgive me if any part of this sounds like babble. My anxiety level is higher than normal and usually when that happens, I just try to avoid dealing with whatever is causing my anxiety. This time though, I am continuing to write this entry and will have to force myself to press the publish button.
Today I purchased a small notebook. I am planning on starting a journal. I think that this could be a safe way for me to start to let my feelings out. There is still a part of me that is afraid to post my feelings and thoughts online and I feel this is a good way to start dealing with my emotions. This does not mean that I will stop posting on here though; it just means that I will be working on dealing with emotions in a more private manner. I have found blogging to be a great help and I have meet some really great people by doing it. Blogging is something I will be doing for many years.
Thank you for reading this and please pray for me to over come my anxiety.