Wreaking Havoc on My Emotions

It has been a while since I last posted a true blog entry. A lot has been going on in my life and I just have been trying to figure out what directions I really need to go in. I knew this year was going to bring many changes, but the changes that I thought would happen are not the ones that seem to be happening in my life.

A friend has recently moved in with me. This has been interesting not only because it has been a while since I have lived with anyone, but because I only have a one-bedroom apartment. This means she has to stay in the living room, which makes the day interesting with just trying to live a normal life. So far, it has not been so bad living with someone, but getting used to someone being here all the time is a little difficult. I was use to being able to come home and relax by myself. Now I walk into my apartment and there is someone here usually talking to her boyfriend online.

If you are wondering why she moved in, her family was going to evict her from her mom’s house. When this became known, a guy she was talking to online suggested she move in with him. He lives in England. Her plan now is to move to England once she gets her passport.

For me though, this is going to be difficult. She is one of the few people that I hang out with on a regular bases. While, she really is the only one I hang out with regularly. This does scare me that I will be alone, with no one to hang out with weekly. This is something that scares me, being all alone.

Personally, I think she is making a mistake by moving there. However, it is her life and I do not think there is anything anyone can say to make her change her mind. I think it is just one of those things she feels she has to do and will learn that it was not the best choice.

I have started working on a new website for a client. Things are going all right with it. It can be difficult for me to do these websites though. The reason for this is that I do not have the confidence in myself that I feel I need. I am sure though with the more I do this type of work, the more confidence I will gain in myself and I will be able to do it for a living.

Beside those two things going on, I have been kind of seeing someone. I do not really know where things are at between us though. We have not hung out in over two weeks. He works a great deal and this month is his extremely busy month. We do text each other almost every day though. Nevertheless, I must admit, it is very difficult to figure out where I want to go with this seeing that I do not see him. I do like him, but I do not know if I really want to be with someone that does not really have time to hang out with me.

On top of these confusing feelings, I have to consider what the Church teaches on how to live one’s life as being gay (or as they like to put it “having same sex attractions). I understand what the Church teaches, but for some reason my heart just does not feel that is the way I should live my life. It just seems like such a lonely life to go thought it alone, even though that is what I have been doing. I would like to share the rest of my life with someone.

I am not sure why these events have been going on in my life. I never thought my friend would move away, especially has far away as she is planning on moving. I also never thought I would meet someone that I have feeling for like I have this guy. It sucks that the guy I like just doesn’t seem to have time for me. I am not sure where these changes will take me in life, but all I know is that I have to keep praying for God to lead me in the right direction and show me the correct way to go. I just hope that He helps me figure out what direction I need to go in my life soon, this guy and my friend living are wreaking havoc on my emotions.

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2 Responses to Wreaking Havoc on My Emotions

  1. Mikey says:

    Now you know how it feel to like a guy, but that guy is not there for you. That’s how I felt for you, but knowing that we don’t live in the same town. So what you feel is just an extension of what I have felt for you. It is NOT fun. There’s no reciprocity in that.

    About your friend moving far away, it mean new challenges for you. It won’t be easy.

    About being all alone, that’s how I feel in Timmins, I don’t have any friends to hang out with and it is “killing” me spiritually and mentally. It’s NOT healthy.

    I feel like I have a lots to offer, I’m educated, bilingual, open minded, I also do make an effort to understand others (I tend to analyze too much), but nothing is happening and nothing is going on. It’s just an empty life.

    I feel that Jesus is with me, but life has to be interesting. An human being can’t just exist and not experience anything from life.

    I’m aware that we’re too far and nothing will ever come out of this. So because of that, virtual friendship are not realistic, they’re just a blurred vision, like playing a game of pac-man online. It’s all behind a screen, unless there’s the potential of something to look forward like a meeting, but if that doesn’t happen, then I don’t see why we should chat. And don’t use the excuse that we’re too far, we’re not that far, try China. Now that’s far! I’m just in Ontario and you’re in Michigan.

    It’s not healthy to talk with you, although it does feel great, but because it’s just going to be on MSN online.

    I have figured out why you were more quiet than usual when we talked together on MSN, it’s because you were busy texting the guy that you’re seeing, you could have told me but you didn’t. This is a trait that you have to overcome. You have to tell people what is going on in your life, especially those that are around you and deserve to know, otherwise it will confuse them.

    Finally, how can you build a relationship with a guy that you don’t see often?

    Anyway, are you a friend? No you’re not. This is all online, and you want to keep it on MSN, do friends does that? No. At some point they meet. You don’t want to meet, you’ve never expressed any interest in meeting. Is that suspicious? Yes. What I can get from you? Nothing at all, not even a meeting. Now that you scr*wed up my emotions, someone else is doing it for you. Sound familiar?

    As for me, I’m moving in Southern Ontario this year.

  2. Mikey says:

    here are some reflections I have found online (they’re NOT my opinion, it’s point of view from various people online)

    #1.

    You can have a very fulfilling life as a single person. It is better to be alone then to be involved in an unhealthy relationship with a drug addict or alcoholic or any other abusive person. You must learn to like being with yourself. Many people remain unmarried all of their lives and can find happiness. Many people marry and are not totally fulfilled. It all depends on individual situations. Total joy and fulfillment is something that few have obtained.

    #2.

    Well, I CHOOSE to be alone aside from casual acquaintances. I enjoy meeting people and talking to people on a superficial level. I don’t want to connect with anyone on a deeper level because it seems the more you know about someone, the more you’re likely to be disappointed. People leave, let you down and change.

    I feel like I’m a kindred spirit and I enjoy my own company. I like being fiercely independent NOT co-dependent on others for my happiness and identity. I have made a conscious decision to be this way because I find it empowering and free from social drama and let-downs.

    #3.

    Everyone strive for understanding and connection; I would find it difficult to enjoy life if I had no one to share it and my experiences with.

    My Conclusion:

    — We need others, but it all start inside out first.

    — Relationships are not an ambulance or a quick band-aid solution for people who feel lonely. Many got partnered that way and are not happy.

    — We have to pray a lot and attend Mass, to heal our wounds, to be happy and to find a special friend.

    — People always look at what they can get from you when they see you. Why do they do that? For various reasons, they’re probably looking for a friend, a partner, to connect, to understand (most gays are looking for that emotional connection, but it’s not easy to find that kind of guy); proximity (being close) and public exposure (hanging out often) help with that. Also, variety of guys. If the guy is too young or too old, there’s not going to be any connection, because there’s no shared experiences. It’s going to feel lonely. As I said earlier, connection and understanding are important. It’s also important that you find a guy that is not just gay, but also have faith and respect you for who you are.

    — Also, you don’t want to waste your time with guys that are not going to bring any change in your life. Life is too short for that. You should be focusing on guys that can improve your life.

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